Friday the 13th Part III – Those Who Died With Dirty Asses

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I could never be a real storyteller.  As I’m sure anyone who has ever listened to me ramble (or even read it here) knows, I’m too wordy.  I can never disseminate what’s essential and what can be left out.  I go off on tangents so often that I dedicated this entire blog to it.

I appreciate that most movies strip down mundane elements that have nothing to do with the story.  I don’t need to see characters brush their teeth or use the bathroom in order to know this stuff happened.  And if they do show a bathroom scene, I can assume that it adds something to the movie experience.

Massacre at Central High – Alternate Title

I won’t even pretend to understand marketing.  My interests are far too specific for me to understand what’s going to appeal to a mass audience.  I’m frequently left scratching my head at the success of some movies and the failure of others.  International marketing is even more confusing as there are too many variables outside of quality to take into consideration.  My understanding is that Argento’s Phenomena (Creepers) was cut by a half an hour in the US so that New Line could squeeze in an extra theatrical screening each day.

I guess it makes sense from a business standpoint to have different versions of a movie for different markets.  I don’t think the international cut of Dawn of the Dead is necessarily inferior, even if I prefer the US cut.  I’ve also been poking around the world of sleaze long enough to run into plenty of movies that have hardcore and softcore versions.  Sometimes they’re shot at the same time and just cut together differently while others are erotic movies with hardcore inserts.

Halloween IV – The Blond Mask

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While pointing out continuity errors can be amusing, I don’t want to see this collection devolve into pointing out errant boom mics or awkward jump cuts.  I love to nitpick as much as the next guy, but not all bloopers warrant much analysis.

Of course, there are also those that go far beyond mere continuity errors.  I’m not going to beat around the bush here – the blond mask in two shots in Halloween IV is one of the biggest wtf moments I can think of in modern horror.  Everything from how it happened in the first place to why it was left in the finished film completely baffle me.

Six Swedes on a Campus – Exercise Bike

There are a few things that have me completely perplexed:

How have I been collecting moments for this site for about two years without ever mentioning Brigitte Lahaie to this point?  Now that I have four kids, a cat, and a beagle with an aversion to pornography, I’ll admit that my smut intake has decreased (or at least become more discreet), but Ms. Lahaie was a major fixation of mine for a long time.

Likewise, how is a movie with an alternate title listed right on the front cover as “Super Porno Girls in un Collegio Svedese” not one of the very first things I add?  That’s one of the coolest titles ever!  Is it common practice to switch languages half with through the title or is there just not a good enough French translation for Super Porno Girls?  When I hear Super Porno Girls it makes me think Marvel really missed the boat with this whole Avengers thing.  Who wouldn’t go see Super Porno Girls: The Age of Ultron?

Friday the 13th Part V – Cat Abuse

False alarm jump scares are pretty much par for the course with slasher movies.  I’m not a huge fan but, when done effectively, they can keep an audience on its toes.  There seems to be quite a finite number of harmless things that can make slasher movie characters jump out of their skin though.

Clichéd as it may be, my favorite of these is probably the irate cat leaping into frame.  Maybe it’s because cats are more difficult to control on set, but there doesn’t seem to be much else of a role for cats in this type of film.  I know I can’t coerce my cat to do very much.  It makes sense that the only reliable thing they can do is get pitched into the frame by a crew member presumably wearing really thick gloves.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre III – Dead Armadillo

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It’s interesting that most horror fans I know are also among the biggest softies around when it comes to animals.  I’m not even talking Italian cannibal level of violence (I’ve never met anyone who finds that anything but repulsive), I’m just talking about implied violence.  Both Gordon and Muffin tend to elicit stronger responses in the early Friday the 13th movies than the multitudes of mutilated humans.

Friday the 13th Part 2 – Moonlight Swim

There are a few milestones in life that most people never forget – graduations, weddings, births, and even first kisses.  I’ve gone through all of those (yeah, that’s right – I kissed a girl!).  There’s another milestone that most of us remember even if we don’t all want to admit it.  Do you remember the first time you saw nudity?  If not, you must remember the first time you saw frontal nudity.

Of course, like anything worth talking about, this isn’t as simple as it seems.  Are you talking nudity from when you were too young to care?  I don’t think that counts.  The kind of nudity I’m talking about has to give you feelings you don’t quite understand.  That’s what makes it so memorable.

Dawn of the Dead – Bigger Bread

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I know it might be sort of contrary to everything that Dawn of the Dead really stands for, but I can’t help fantasize how awesome it would be to have the complete run of a fully stocked shopping mall. Fleeting as the pleasure may be, it’s an exciting prospect to imagine all your material desires at your fingertips.  I think this comes from a lifetime of seeing desirable things in stores and knowing that it’s out of my budget.  To throw those restrictions away would be enticing.  It’d be like winning the lottery without the headache of taxes.  My head tells me it’s no good, but my gut wants it all.

Halloween IV – Jamie’s Mother

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We all get laughed at, especially as kids.  It’s a hard line to draw between what’s all in good fun and what is hurtful and damaging.  Little kids seem to love it and will often go to absurd lengths just to make sure everyone is looking at them.  It’s sometime during primary or elementary school that I find some kids become exceptionally sensitive to the laughter of others.

Of course, this is all subjective.  When you feel like you’re in on it, it’s okay.  If people are laughing at some crazy/stupid stunt you did, it seems okay, “Yeah, I sure am a crazy guy!”  But if they hit on something you’re sensitive about (whether they know it or not), it can change the whole game – we can joke about my graying hair, but if you mention my sweaty armpits, we might have to fight.

Freddy’s Dead – Looking Young

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I’m not sure when that moment is between when we are kids trying to seem older and when we become adults hoping we can still pass for 5 or 10 years younger.  We always want to look like we’re in our prime.  I’m just not exactly sure when that prime is.  I’m guessing it’s somewhere in out 20s.

Growing up, I always looked young.  This isn’t as cool as it sounds.  What 13 year old wants to look 10?  The payoff was always going to be how gracefully I aged.  Somehow in the intervening years, I either skipped or didn’t notice when I was the optimal age outwardly.  As I notice gray creeping into the hair on my head and the stubble on my chin, I think it’s ridiculous that I ever desperately wanted to look older.  Why not just enjoy my youthful appearance and go compete against younger kids?  Surely creaming some elementary school kid would be good for a junior high school ego.