I have a confession to make – I like looking at naked women. I’m not even talking in an artistic or sophisticated way like you might see in a Radley Metzger film, not always at least. What I’m talking about is unapologetic and crass. It’s just naked women. I know that this can justifiably be perceived as sexist, objectifying, and offensive but that primordial jelly part of my brain just doesn’t care. To deny this in the face of political correctness would be dishonest and if there’s anything that I value here, it’s honesty. Honesty and nudity.
Of course, that’s not to say that all nudity is created equal. Because I’m a deviant, there should be some sense of naughtiness to it all. If someone looks like they were created for the sole purpose of being naked (any number of modern porn stars, for example), the eroticism level drops to zero. There’s something about seeing something that you’re not supposed to see that just pushes all the right buttons.
Being the nostalgia nut that I am, my childhood was filled with examples of this. I was obviously less selective because, as a kid, everything with naked people in it was something I wasn’t supposed to see. I’ve discussed here in the past how many of my video selections were based off of the sleaze potential.
What’s so strange about this is the fact that I even have to make this a confession. There’s still a bit of shame c0nnected to loving sleaze. So much so that I discuss my prurient interests here under an alias (confession #2: I’m not really a doctor).
When I was younger, this was even more pronounced. Couple natural childhood insecurities with a love of nudity and you have a recipe for a reputation as a creepy little pervert. (The good news is, I’m no longer little.) So, naturally, I tried to keep this aspect of my personality on the down low. My copies of The Bare Facts Video Guide wasn’t prominently displayed and my video collection looked to be exclusively horror to the untrained eye.
Then, in high school, I met another horror fan. We borrowed videos from each other frequently. Usually the exchanges were made at school and I had any necessary time to prepare. You wouldn’t think that there would be a need for much preparation when lending videos but again, I’m a pervert.
This guy came over one day and was looking over my shelf. He picked up Zombie Lake and asked to borrow it. If you’re unfamiliar, Zombie Lake is a low quality/high charm cheapo zombie movie with terrible dubbing, terrible makeup, and plentiful nudity. The best scene involves a group of school girls on an apparent field trip. They pull the bus over to Zombie Lake and then all go skinny dipping. Even after over 11 years of marriage I understand so little about women that I’m just going to assume this is natural behavior.
Regardless, it was natural behavior that I liked to watch. A lot. Enough that I got tired of seeking out the 45 minute or so mark on the VHS tape. I just left the tape cued up to the group skinny dipping scene. Why search around for all the individual nude scenes when there’s one with a gaggle of girls all together. Not only that, but the camera is unsatisfied watching the girls frolic and splash, instead going to investigate what treading water nude looks like from below.
I couldn’t think of any reason to say no, but also knew that lending out a tape cued to this part was as good as introducing myself by saying, “Hi, I masturbate a lot!” To his credit, the guy didn’t feel the need to embarrass me about it, although I bit he felt a little icky handling the tape after he knew its primary purpose.
If there’s a silver lining to any of this, it’s that I’ve come to terms with being a dirty man. I don’t advertise it and I probably won’t take off my Dr. Humpp mask any time soon but I now have no problem admitting that I don’t own that 1972 Playboy with Tiffany Bolling for the articles. I don’t like Brigitte Lahaie, Rene Bond, or Uschi Digart for their acting skills. Sure, maybe the articles are interesting enough and maybe those ladies are even worth watching with their clothes on, but in the spirit of honesty, I confess, I like looking at naked women.