It’s crazy to think how we have virtually no control over something that is as important to our overall identities as our names. I think we all sort of think of the many cool things we could name our children eventually, mostly based off of our interests and hobbies. How cool would it be to have triplets named Herschell, Gordon, and Lewis? Hopefully, by the time we all have children, we also consider that this is an individual who will have his or her own interests and identity and is probably not interested in explaining who Horace Pinker is for the rest of his or her life.
That’s not to say you can’t leave some element of the things you love in what is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your life. Just try to keep in mind that the name is for a human being, not a toy or pet. I just hope that a child can grow up to think that her name means more to her parents than just an expression of their love for The Little Mermaid (no offense to all the Ariels born in the early 90s).
Still, it’s hard hard to imagine an appropriate name for someone when they’re just a little blob of an infant. I have four children, and none of them had the name we planned on during the pregnancy. We thought long and hard on all these names, but that was only based on the impression we got from an infant. Infants are kind of cute, cuddly, and helpless. Teenagers are not. What about adults? What happens when they decide on a career? The Simpsons made a joke early on about the torment that befell a teacher named Mr. Glasscock.
When you think about it, there are some names that are just not suited for some careers. You want your doctors’ names to evoke trust and comfort while a professional fighter or football player might prefer a more intimidating moniker. What about a stripper or high priced hooker? Not actually knowing any strippers or high priced hookers, I think of dirty movies and consider names like Ginger Lynn, Vanessa Del Rio, or even Hyapatia Lee. Names that conjure up images of something sexy. Maybe glamour or maybe the girl next door, but something that gets the blood pumping. The last thing you want is something that calls to mind mothers or older relatives. I’m assuming that there aren’t many people that sell sex appeal who use aliases inspired by The Golden Girls.
That’s a plot point that comes up in a smut film from 1976 called Cry For Cindy. A young woman decides to start hooking in order to help her boyfriend pay for med school (why else?). When she settles on her career choice, she has a little whore conference to decide on what she needs to do to in order to make this work.
The most pressing concern is obviously the young woman’s name. Anna just won’t cut it. She is told that it sounds “too down home plain”. I guess. I don’t really have a problem with the name Anna (especially considering one of the other prostitute’s name is Nora), but maybe they’ll come up with something exotic that ends in Sprinkles or Samples.
Nope. They want “something smooth, that falls off your tongue.” Here’s the list they come up with: Pam, Kim, Cindy, Mandy, and Babs. Now, I try not to second guess people, especially when I’m not in an area of expertise, but is this really the best you can come up with? Maybe it’s a generational thing, but none of those names have me reaching for my wallet because I just can’t possibly keep it in my pants a moment longer. To me, they sound like the names of old aunts who smoke too much and that’s a surefire boner killer.
Despite the overwhelming un-sexiness of the names, this is actually a decent movie and worth the 80 or so minutes. It can currently be found on Vinegar Syndrome’s streaming channel, exploitation.tv. If you’re a fan of curious material and moments, this channel is well worth the investment.